Another sad day, angry and argue out of nothing.
I just want respect, a peace of mind. I really don't want to see him that often.
Did he leave me any choice? None. Sometime, I felt like he is punishing me.
He will just remind me of how he betrayed our marriage. He remind me of how happy he is now with another women. Very selfish and irresponsible behavior.
I think I hate him, I really think it is beyond the feeling of betrayal. He destroyed my life and my dream by keep reminding me how bad and shameless he can be. He still think he had done nothing wrong up to now. He has no responsibility on break up our marriage. At least, he thinks I am still blaming him for everything that went wrong in this marriage. It was me push him away to that women. B.S. He works so hard on this affair, he made this happened.
Now, all I asks for is space and time for me to heal. No, I will never get this little respect. Because I have no right to ask for any now since we separated. He thinks I am nothing to him. All he cares is someone else.
I can't ignore my sons rights to see their father but it is not so pleasant and health for me to see him every week.
I am tried of this, the argue, angry towards him.
I thought I will have a break from him since he moved out. But quantity doesn't matters, quality is the key. It still hurts so much and painful after everytime we argued.
I am really tried mentally and physically. I really want it over. Everything need to be over.
2 comments:
hi brenda, long time no see! i left some posts here a while back, but forgot to bookmark. had to sift through unkle beach to find your link again. anyway, at risk of sounding presumptuous, i can feel your pain, or something similar. for me it wasn't betrayal in marriage, but it was by someone very close i'd known all my life.
now i hope you're being good to yourself, maybe having a quiet time for yoga, deep breathing, something nice to pamper your body, mind and soul every day. a "time out". you're right about being in good shape. just stick to a routine and treat yourself like a queen. your 2 lovely little princes deserve a mom in tip-top shape!
the other thing is, well people change over time. it's hard for anyone to really know themselves, predict what they'll become over the years. marriage has always been something humans impose on themselves, so it takes real discipline to "play by the rules".
what i've found is some people have hard time with introspection, self-analysis (& men in particular...the way many are brought up!) they grow older but their emotional response to crisis in their lives can remain at teenage or child stage. they may not be able to put a finger on what makes them anxious, disatisfied, so they look outward for escape to evade some deeper issue (which is usually too complex and big to work out quickly -- and why we have rich shrinks!!)
YES you DO have a right to demand respect and real, from-the-heart apology from him, but this is not the time. he's just not gotten out of the stage of denial, which he entered since starting it all in the first place. accepting the responsibility/blame is something he can't handle, because it's the entire basis of what he told himself to justify "bailing out".
i guess it might help, if you mourn the loss of the man he used to be, accept that love was meaningful at the time, but now people have changed, and feelings change. sorry if i'm boring you with an analytical approach (since it's the way i started my healing). but i've found that mixing my past feelings of love and new feelings of "hate" and anger only gave me more grief. it helped me a lot, to simply see the person split into different parts, acknowledge what was good, and keep it separate from the bad. but not to expect the two parts to reconcile, because they don't and you'll only be more disappointed.
sorry if this is rambling, but i do keep my fingers crossed in your brave battle. it's finally a nice chill here after endless texas heat, and i hope your part of the world has a gorgeous autumn too;-)
edmame,
I really enjoy and looking forward to your comments all the time. I tried to find your blog and get to know your a little more.
I find your comments give me peace and quite. I really feel you understand what I am going throught.
Even you have family and friend to listen and help you. But I found expressing my feeling via blog helps me to get different points of view from all kind of people with different or similar background.
Thanks.
I want to know how I can find you or contact you via email or some kind of others forms..
Post a Comment