Beach bit bitch: 聽見.......便

Beach bit bitch: 聽見.......便

Like this post very much, got me think again!

Why so hard on me?

I am just try to make up what I own my sons by not giving them a complete family to grow up.
I am just try to restart my life over.
Why I always be the one to give him choices?
Why I have to be the one that suffer? Why they need to be scare when we fight?

I am so unhappy and I can't find a way out.
I just want some time to be alone, by myself at my home. Why is that a lot to ask?
How can that be selfish? How can that be not care about my sons?
Why I have to leave my house because he can't provide a place for them to spent the day?
Where can I go? I have no friends. I can't go to my family coz I am scare, embarrass of my divorce. Where did he wants me to go? Where can I go?
All I have left is this house, my two sons and my dignity.

May be I can never forget how my marriage is ruin, how everyone else but me can be happy again and do whatever they want.
I am done here. I don't want to deal with him ever again. I am really tired. I am done with this man. I am being hurt enough. I don't want to know and I don't care. If I had a choice, I will end it so nobody will be hurt, not even my two sons.

Faith

Faith determine your life!

When you think you have reached the lowest point of your life and everything will become better. But there is another bad luck following you.
I just want to start over and focus on my two sons, raise them and watch them growth.

However, FAITH is playing a game with you. It needs to test my courage again and again.
It wants to see whether I am tough enough to win again this time.
This time, I have no confidence myself and try to control the unexpected.
It could be a long and painful experience to fight for a better health.
I needed to be healthy and strong to raise my sons.
My job is not done and I can't just leave them now.
I am all they have got now. I am just worry about them what if...something happen to me!

Hmm...

Another sad day, angry and argue out of nothing.
I just want respect, a peace of mind. I really don't want to see him that often.
Did he leave me any choice? None. Sometime, I felt like he is punishing me.
He will just remind me of how he betrayed our marriage. He remind me of how happy he is now with another women. Very selfish and irresponsible behavior.
I think I hate him, I really think it is beyond the feeling of betrayal. He destroyed my life and my dream by keep reminding me how bad and shameless he can be. He still think he had done nothing wrong up to now. He has no responsibility on break up our marriage. At least, he thinks I am still blaming him for everything that went wrong in this marriage. It was me push him away to that women. B.S. He works so hard on this affair, he made this happened.

Now, all I asks for is space and time for me to heal. No, I will never get this little respect. Because I have no right to ask for any now since we separated. He thinks I am nothing to him. All he cares is someone else.
I can't ignore my sons rights to see their father but it is not so pleasant and health for me to see him every week.
I am tried of this, the argue, angry towards him.
I thought I will have a break from him since he moved out. But quantity doesn't matters, quality is the key. It still hurts so much and painful after everytime we argued.
I am really tried mentally and physically. I really want it over. Everything need to be over.

How to forget?

I wishes someone tell me what REAL LOVE is all about.

How would you feel when you see someone you love cheating on you, again and again? What will you do?
Why I have to see someone like him weeks after weeks and he still have no shame of what he does? I really don't want to see him anymore but he didn't give me a choice. Why after all this, he can't give me some time and space to heal the lost of my marriage? I decided to get a divorce but is that mean he will be out of my life. No, he will always be their fathers. I will always see him when he comes to visit the kids.

I just want to start my life over. They got what they wanted and be happy. How about me?
Does anyone care about how I feel? I want to live my life. I want to forget the bad memories, the betrayal.

Please have mercy and give me a chance.
I might not have a lot of time now, I want to be strong for my kids.

I need to be healthy, this is all I want.

悶? 倦?

點解人要有人陪先唔會悶?
一個人都可以活得很好?
人最雖要是親人, 朋友, 情人, 老公(婆), 孩子, 定是自己?

沒有了男友, 可以找另一個;
老公給別人搶了, 我可以怎樣?
小孩子沒有了爸爸, 我如何向他們交代?

當我好似擁有一切時, 上天就要給你一個又一個的考驗.
婚變, 疾病, 自己情緒受到困擾, 沒法接受婚變這事實.
我真的不知可以撐幾耐, 我好倦!

911 and me

It will just be one of billions post in today's blogs world about September 11.
I was in Chicago, Illinois when this happened. I dropped the baby down to my baby sitter and went to work. I remember I just start that new job for about one month. Everything was so new to me, including co-workers, no friends at all.
I saw the 2nd plane hit the building on TV, I was speechless. The only thing in my mind was - I must let my husband know that we are ok in US. I can't let him worried about us. However, phones were not working, so as email. We finally get to contact each other later at night. I has tears in my eyes ( I cries easy) but that was real tears from I still have my family although apart but alive.
But look at today, 5 years later. Things changed so as people mind and heart.
My husband don't love me anymore. He met someone at work about 2 years ago, from friendship to betrayal on our marriages (yes, she has a husband too).
We struggled to save our marriage for about 1 years. I know he is not committed to save our marriage. I lost him forever.

As of now, we are separated and waiting to divorce.
It hurts so bad. I had enough on his lies and wrong accuse of me.
I need to be strong for my 2 sons.
I choose to leave him for good, but I felt guilt for my sons. I still do.

一把掌

堆積了好耐的憤怒, 怨 , 痛, 今晚就因為一把掌而完結了.
十二年的感情, 話變就變 . 好恐怖 .

由其對於我, 一個對愛情從一而忠, 充滿潼境的人 .
這樣的完結...好可惜, 但又似是最好的.

最遺憾是我的二個兒子, 失去父親的愛.

Birthday?

Birthday???
- only meaningful if someone you care remember and celebrate with you
- can be hurtful if you know it means nothing to him

Do I care? I don't, but today, I can't forgot because the memories was too painful to forget.
He will be so happy and all over her all night, sleeping together, getting what he wants for so long and be happy forever.

Did he care how I feel tonight? No!
How would you feel? Knowing your husband sleeping with another women (someone else's wife)!
Should I end my life because I have no way out, I can't take it no more emotionally?
I am stuck, he won't divorce nor admits that they are having an affair.

What is this? Unfaithful marriages, cheating on your wife and her husband, revenge on me and the kids. He might thinks I know nothing, WRONG, I knew it all along, even before.

Yes, he might thinks he finds NEW LOVE? Even he is still married, with ME and he has no shame to say that out loud... NEW LOVE. We are still married and be a man to admit that he is having an affair and give me a divorce. Set me free.

I wants to be strong but I might just...End it. I am hurt.

金三顺的哲学道理

Quoted from "novie noviez"'s blog

Linked-http://noviez.blogspot.com/

I watched that Korean TV series too. It is funny yet sad on her theory about relationship.

金三顺的哲学道理

1. 有一位写小说的作家，这位作家每晚都会写封信，放在老公的书桌前后再入睡，那么早上丈夫起来后，会看完那封信再上班，每天早上丈夫就成为妻子所作文章的第一个读者。我会把我自己做的第一个蛋糕给真贤吃的，我能做到的最好吃的蛋糕，我都想给他做来吃，像这样，我爱着真贤。

~ That is when both of them are deeply in love; otherwise no matter how many letters she wrote, he won't brother to open and read it. It is because they care about each others, that's also what I think "LOVE IS ALL ABOUT" !!!


2. 这有多难？喜欢就是喜欢，不喜欢就是不喜欢，为什么要那么复杂？

~ Only if love can be this direct and emotionless. Who needs to be in love?


3. 有 一天身子问心：我要是痛了，医生会给我治；你痛了，谁来给你治啊？于是心说：我只能自己给自己治。也许就因为这样，每个人都有一个治疗心中伤痛的方法。喝 酒、唱歌、发火、或哭、或笑、跟朋友诉苦、去旅行、跑马拉松，最差的一种方法是逃避这种心痛。我的治疗方法是：像这样快要到清晨的时候，烤蛋糕和饼干。爸 爸突然离我而去的时候，火一般的恋情结束的时候，受到侮辱的时候，都会在凌晨到工作室做蛋糕。用那时的香味安慰自己。世上还有比这更甜美的治疗法吗？

~ I am still finding a way to heal myself.


4. 去爱吧，像不曾受过一次伤一样
   跳舞吧，像没有人欣赏一样
   唱歌吧，像没有任何人聆听一样
   干活吧，像不需要钱一样
   生活吧，像今天是末日一样

~ Perhap I need to live like this so that I can't feel the pain anymore.

Matthew 2nd Birthday

It is a little late, finally I know how to post a picture.

Here are my sons - Ethan and Matthew.

These are taken at Matthew's 2 years old birthday.




















Is he cute or not?

Back to School

Yesterday is my son Ethan (6 yrs old) 1st day back to school. He is in 1st grade this year.
I am not too worry about him at school because he was going well last year at kindergarden.
I am more worry about how he feels about the changed in his family affects his social / school life.
You know, he might feel upsad about his father is not picking him up after school.
May be I am worrying too much, too soon.
That's me, I always worries too much, too soon.

放棄

引自"技安"的 blog...很有共鳴

一個女孩子在電郵上說，她和相戀四年的男朋友分手，
因為她愛上了另一個男人，可惜這個男人很花心，
她只是他其中一個女朋友，她愛得很辛苦，卻捨不得放手。

她問自己，放棄一個很愛她的男人而去愛一個不愛他的男人，這是錯的嗎？
她放棄一個很愛他的男人，但她不愛他，既然如此，何必後悔？
你不愛他，他多麼愛你，他待你多麼好，他的條件多麼的優秀，也是徒然的。
自己不要的東西，為什麼還要可惜呢？
既然你甘心情願放棄，你就沒資格可惜。

他曾是那麼慷慨地等待你，他本來是你的，你自己選擇不要，
那就永遠不要可惜，反正你對他已經沒有以往的感覺。
世上有很多東西是可以挽回的，譬如良知，譬如體重，
但是不可挽回的東西更多，譬如舊夢，譬如歲月，譬如對一個人的感覺。

你曾經愛過他，但是那份感覺已經逝去了，無論多麼努力也是無法挽回的。
放棄一個很愛你的人並不痛苦；放棄一個你很愛的人，那才痛苦；
愛上一個不愛你的人，那是同樣痛苦。
也許你還年輕，等你年老一點，你就不會那麼笨，
放棄一個愛你的人而去愛一個不愛你的人，
那時你已經沒有太多青春去追尋一個遙不可及的夢。

*************************************************
我仍然愛他, 但是時侯放棄了.

Dark Friday

What will you do if you know the truth? The ugly truth that you seek for so long and you finally see it yourself tonight...
I thought I care, I will be heart broken or even wants to kill myself.
But, today I see them accidentally. I seen him who I loved with another women who's a wife of somebody else.
Yes, I know they are together for a long time. Tonight seeing them together doesn't hurt the way I thought it would be. I have no emotion of what I saw. I didn't cry, I should but nothing come out from my eyes. If it were happen in the past, I think I would lost it and gone crazy. Catch them on the act and yell at them.
No, I didn't do anything. Why? Do I not love him anymore? I guess I don't. After all the lies, hurtful words, and abandon. I think I should realize he does not deserve my love.
I guess today is arranged by faith, I need to see what I expected for so long and believed that...
It is over. I need to end this marriage for good.

Aug 23, 06

I felt better today...only because my doctor make me realized
"I CAN do it, I NEED to be STRONG for my children. NOT HIM"

I am still emotionally connected to my husband who betrayed me, our marriage and our children.
He refused to face the world, his children, me and himself.

However, I forgave him even everyone else told me it is ok to hate him and forget him.

It is tough being alone, I hate this feeling and I felt for him;
I don't want him to feel abandon AGAIN, like when he was little...

My Feeling

I finally decided to create my own Blog...
I lost...my love, my marriage, my goal and my dream.

I tried to be strong BUT I can't.

I failed to be a daughter, a wife and a mother.

I don't know what to do in my life no more.